every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
