I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
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