last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
