Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Randomize
