I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Is it weird that I noticed my lower half feels strange and then further realized it's bc I'm wearing underwear to bed for the first time in weeks..maybe months?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
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