Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm both gender and math confused
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Randomize
