How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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