So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
