Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
