who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
My bed smells like the plague
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
