Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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