After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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