she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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