Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
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What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
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Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
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