Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
ttyl tear gas
IT'S SUMMA TIME
ITS SUMMA TIME NOT BE HIGH ALL THE TIME TIME
THEY'RE THE SAME THING
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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