She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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