I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
