When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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