This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
