so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
Randomize
