Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Did you see Brett Michaels get knocked on his ass?
Hurt me personally.
Knocked his cowboy hat off... Bandanna was still good though
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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