I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
