Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Randomize
