Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
