I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
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