I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
