My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
