Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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