Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
