I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
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tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
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Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
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