I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
