I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
