I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
