just tell him i said nine months
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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