i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
