Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
