Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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