I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
