So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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