I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
