I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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