Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Randomize
