I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Randomize
