I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Randomize
