Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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