you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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