it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
