Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
just got drunk at a party with Christmas themed solo cups.. holidays are officially here.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
