i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
