Those balls look pretty dangerous.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
Randomize
