Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
