Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
