My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Randomize
