what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
