my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
