I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
